Nobody Else in the World

Finn Sisu and I would have celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary last month.  It fell over a 5 day weekend for me, so I took the opportunity to go to Cyprus.  I was originally planning on going with a friend, but they had a family emergency and I went alone.  I knew it would be a bit tough; I knew I would be lonely and I intended to still celebrate the life we shared and to remember him with love.  It was a nice trip, a scary trip and a good rest.

Yesterday I came back from Muscat, where I went on a business trip to meet MEPI contacts in Oman.  It was a much harder trip.  Every step of the way I was thinking of what I would tell Finn Sisu and how much he would have loved this or that, how he would have responded to this situation or another. 

I just don't think that anyone in the world knows how much I miss him or how much it hurts to be without him.

Still Here

In case you're wondering, I'm still here. I have learned a lot of things that I did not know. Sometimes I think I could write a book on what we are never told about the dichotomy of emotions, the incongruity of beginnings and endings. It can be overwhelming, but the dust is finally beginning to settle.

I offer this little bit of advice from my experience:

• You call the person who is hurting; they don't have the energy to call you.
• Talk about the one who is gone. It will probably choke up some people, but they don't want to be the only one thinking/talking about the person.
• Do not judge anyone regarding the way they grieve. Each of us is unique and we mourn just as uniquely.

Just in case you did not know-it will change you.

Even the Best Laid Plan

Last year at this time we had just closed on our house, were packing for a Disney vacation and being so excited about the endless possiblities ahead of us. We knew we were never going to be rich and wealthy with material things, and in all honesty, we had everything we could ever need. Riches and fame are certainly not the kinds of things we sought after.

Now experiences that is a whole different thing. We thought we will follow this path and you just never know we may ski the Swiss Alps, scuba off Australia, hike Kilimanjaro, travel across Russia by train or see Victoria Falls in Africa. Even the smallest, simplist experiences enriched our lives and made it so much more. Every experience was an opportunity to laugh, to joke and to construct a mosaic of a life well lived.

As I have said before the only constant in all of this would be us. We would be together, our whole family. Where we go the dogs go, where one goes so do all the others-that was the rule, the expected norm. Finn Sisu and I knew it would eventually be us without the dogs and we thought our biggest decision would be when to adopt another and if so how many.

The fact that I am now alone was certainly not part of the plan. I don't even have a contingency option.

I miss his humor, his deep and wonderful laugh, his big shoulders and his bear hugs. I miss him tucking me in and the coffee going before I ever wake up. I miss surprising him with an ice cream treat that he didn't ask for.

Thank You

I returned to Abu Dhabi about a week ago and started work a few days ago. I am still unpacking bags and boxes.

I have to say that I have had wonderful support from a myriad of friends and relatives who helped me immensely during this trying time. Friends and family who opened their homes to me when I had no place to really go, friends and family who willingly offered to help carry my sorrows, offered shoulders, hugs and shared a lot of happy memories. It has all been a blur, but I know I have been comforted and cared for by many. I have many thank you's to write.

What I Know

I know that Finn Sisu did not chose to leave me. I know that death is a natural result of living. I know that many have departed this life before us and many will after, but I also know that this particular person's passing is acutely painful for me. I know I do not want to be in my shoes.

I know that Christ loves me, is with me and my faith is strong. I know my faith cannot insulate me from sorrow, but can offer me comfort. I know that for the Lord waking one from death is as easy as waking a well rested child in the morning.

I know that he was happy and content (because he told me so). I know that he had few regrets. I know that he loved me dearly, and I know there was nothing left unsaid between us.

Worst Day of My Life

Finn Sisu passed away near the end of June. His death was sudden, shocking and devastating for me and all who loved him. For him the event was apparently painless and peaceful, for me it has been nothing but tumultuous turmoil.

The Lord has seen fit to keep me breathing and alive, so as painful as it is to have lost so much I still have to go on. This blog will undoubtedly change. I thought it would be about our "grand adventure." I didn't know it was going to be about life.

I enjoy writing, it helps me process thoughts and emotions. I also loved this man, this wonderful man with all my heart. I need to always remember him and want to celebrate the man he was.

I can't think very clearly these days and I'm full of emotion. I need to find a way to cope and heal. At the moment it seems all I can do is endure. I pray that God will cover all of us with his mercy.

No Title

A tragic life event has happened for our family. For the time being, I have no more words.